It's a process...and that's okay.

"It's a process", a phrase we often say with a sigh.  Learning a new skill, unlearning a long entrenched thought, breaking a habit, or starting a new one.  We live in a world where busy is celebrated, instant gratification is expected whether by searching the internet for an answer or ordering something we need (or want).  More than 2 days to receive either seems like a lifetime.  But as I get older I'm learning (or trying to learn) to embrace the process. 

Every aspect of our lives is an opportunity for growth.  Parenting is definitely a process; and I'm not just talking about potty training, reading or one of the untold number of things we teach our children.  I'm talking about the personal growth that comes in parenting.  There's nothing like having your own kids to learn more about yourself.  Marriage is also a process; as you learn to give space for another, for their thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams and goals and to come together to find mutuality in those spaces.  More recently I've been learning and thinking how that spiritual growth is so integral to each area of our lives and how that the process of spiritual growth; while often hard, is also important to embrace.

Let me share a personal story here:  In 2012 I decided to start running it had been 2 years since I'd had my last baby and I knew I needed to do something to be healthier.  It was great; a friend started about the same time; we trained together, built our friendship and had a lot of fun.  Fast forward to 2016, I had been struggling for a while with some physical pain but had pushed through.  I wasn't enjoying running as much and all the training time was something that had started nagging in the back of my mind...was I really prioritizing things right?  I had run two half marathons and had decided to train for my first triathlon sprint; I took swim lessons at a local gym and was excited to check off another thing where I could say "I did it".  In June we went on vacation...and God got my attention...He literally stopped me in my tracks.  I was out running, tripped on a curb, landed wrong and fractured my ankle.  I was so upset.  I cried but still wasn't ready to give up on the triathlon.  Yes, I couldn't run it but I still had several weeks and figured I could still do the swim and bike and just walk the 5k part; I told everyone I was still going to do it..I was going to push through.  We camped near the event the night before.  That night I came to understand the passage in Scripture that said "Jacob wrestled with God" because I wrestled with Him almost all night.  I prayed and prayed asking God to help me do the triathlon and I felt worse and worse. I cried, I didn't want to disappoint others or myself, I needed to prove that I could do this.  About 2am Matt woke up and asked if I was okay; I asked him if he'd be disappointed if I didn't do the triathlon; his response "No, I don't think you should do it."  I told God I wouldn't do it, I had heard him and He had affirmed what I had been fighting against in those few words from Matt. I had such a weight lifted from me and finally fell asleep.  

Since then I have tried running and each time after a few runs my ankle acts up (I had broken the same ankle when I was a kid and the orthopedic told me it may never be right again since I'm older now.).  I'm learning that it's okay to choose what works now; I'm currently doing yoga.  God has been working on me a lot over the past few years and this is just one example of how He has and is showing me that everything is a process.  Learning to run, learning to let go of running like I used to, learning to value what He says and thinks about me more than what others say, think and expect of me (or even that I think and expect of myself), learning to adjust to the different seasons in parenting, marriage, and every other area.  It's all a process and the growth in those areas takes time, takes trust, takes faith and most of all takes putting God first in each area knowing that HE is in each process.  I still have very far to go but I'm so thankful for each time I look back and see even more places where God has worked and where I can say "God was there and He is still here with me; even in this part of the process."  Yes, life is a process...but that's okay...and you know what? That triathlon that I was so determined to do; I was there to cheer on my friends who did complete it as their first triathlon and they encouraged me that my decision (really God's decision) not to do the triathlon, was the right one.