Focus. That's my "word" for this year. When I chose it in January I had an idea in mind of what that would mean. Yet as so often happens I'm learning that God has other plans for focus.
Last fall I made a very tough decision to step back from a level of ministry I was involved with; I'm still involved just not as deeply. Many, many tears were shed over this decision. After all, I was serving God, not only was I serving but I was serving in a way that I loved, in a place where I feel, and others have said, God has gifted me. So why on earth would I step back?
There are certain factors, which I will not share because the details aren't what's important here, that kept me from fully investing in that ministry. Sometimes those would come up in conversations and I would feel that nudge of conviction that maybe this wasn't truly my place; but then I'd talk to others and they'd assure me that it was. My husband was fine with it, others were fine with it, God was graciously using this ministry to grow my own faith and encourage others. So again, why step back?
...because what I thought was stepping out in faith was in fact me stepping ahead of God and "praying he'd catch up". I recently had a conversation about this with my daughter. She said, "mom, but how do you know which is which?". My answer, "I'm still learning that." See, I had been praying that God would remove the barriers, so that I wouldn't be limited in how I could minister. I had prayed for years, continued to pray yet that prayer had not been answered. At least not how I wanted. So, I decided that I would continue to move forward, reasoning that if God really didn't want my involved as much He'd block the way. I'm not really sure what I thought that would look like...and I'm so grateful that He was gracious and gentle...because looking back it could have caused issues...not only for me.
This step felt so much like moving backwards. I still have days where I question if I made the right decision. I miss ministering in the way I was; however, God has graciously provided ways that I can still be involved without feeling like I am stepping ahead of Him. So, what does this all have to do with focus? Well, God is showing me that my focus needs to be trained on Him, even when it's hard, even when it's painful, even when I'm afraid that I'll never again have the opportunity to serve how I was serving, or afraid of what others might think. He is showing me that, taking a step backwards, realigning myself towards Him, is actually moving forward. It's a place to learn, to trust, to take a new look at how God wants me to serve Him. His ways are not my ways. I still pray that one day those barriers will be removed but I'm also learning that often barriers are there to keep us on the path He has for us; just like barriers often open up for an exit to a new road, that may happen later on this journey. But for now I'm gonna pray that I can keep between the barriers and see what beauty, learning and opportunities lie on this road...right where I am.
It's okay to say; this isn't where God would have me right now.
It's okay to say; I messed up and ran ahead.
It's okay to mourn the loss while also recognizing that God has greater things in store.
It's okay to say; I lost my focus, turn my eyes back to you, God.
And finally, it's okay to say, I did nothing wrong, that was where God had me for a season but now He's moving me elsewhere.
It's okay to step forward....even when it may feel like moving backwards.
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