Have you ever prayed for something and when God granted your request you felt bad about it? Or maybe not bad but very inadequate. You were so excited but also started to doubt what others would think?
For several years I had felt a pull towards teaching as ministry. I wasn’t sure what that looked like but I longed to host a Bible study or in some other way to have a platform to share the things of God. One of my favorite things to do is to discuss God's Word with others...what are they learning...what has He taught me recently. This desire was not because I thought I had some great wise words to share but because I DO have a GREAT WISE GOD to share. For several years I prayed about this and found ways to share with others thru one on one Bible studies or thru church groups and Bible studies that I attended; but I never lost the longing to teach.
I have been blessed to help teach Sunday school for the past several years and have been thankful for that. I enjoy the kids and their excitement but there is something so rich and deep about sharing with people who are adults; with other ladies. Also, over the past few years I’ve been involved in the women’s ministry at church and have helped coordinate a Facebook Summer Reading group for some of our ladies. Two Christmases ago I was asked to be the speaker at our ladies Christmas brunch. After praying about it I realized that after many “not now” answers from God this was Him saying “okay, here you go”...and then the doubts set in. (I didn’t even share with most of my family that I was speaking.) What was I thinking? I like to be in the background not in front of crowds. Many of the women attending were not only older in age than me but had way more life experience and had been Christians for many more years than I had. I was not given a “theme” for what I was to speak about; as I prayed I jotted down different ideas but nothing really came together. As the time drew near not only did God give me something to share with these ladies but I saw Him organizing everything...right down to the table decorations. At every step God was reminding me that He is a God of great detail and He is the one who equips...it’s ALL about Him. As I began to speak that day I felt such a peace and was able to articulate the things God had given me to share.
Last year I was asked to speak during two sessions of our ladies retreat. Again, I saw God working every detail...in many different ways than He had for the Christmas brunch but always showing that He is the One who gives the words.
My prayer always is that I will not get in the way of the message God has; that I will be an open vessel for Him to use. I know how much I fail. I know how much my mouth can mess me up; and the thing is this is exactly why I’m so hesitant to share these opportunities with those closest to me. I feel self-consious because, like me, they know my failings and I begin to think “who am I to think that I can do this?” “I know I’m going to fail” I’m worried about others saying “yep, told you she’s not as spiritual as she acts..see what she did/said” But here’s the thing….I will fail...everyone fails and if we trust in the vessel we will always doubt and we will always be disappointed. But God never asks for perfect vessels He asks for willing vessels.
This week was rough, it was ugly and messy. As I sit here I’m still struggling. Normally I keep things between God, a few close friends, and myself: but this week it spilled over onto social media. It was one more thing in a long list of frustrations and what was really something minor set me off and I reacted badly. I was frustrated and embarrased by my reaction. But here’s the thing -- God uses everything! That social media post lead to a friend texting me and a conversation where we were both able to pray for each other more specifically. Later in the week a text to some close friends wasn’t met with ridicule; instead I was sent Scripture, prayed for and others shared their struggles; I was able to pray for them.
I’m not saying that we should live as slaves to our emotions or struggles but what I AM saying is when we are honest about our struggles and how inadequate we may feel God can and does still use us. I have struggled with being excited about speaking; feeling bad because I love it; I find such joy in speaking, teaching and sharing... but I wonder if I tell others would they see it as prideful or as me thinking I’ve got it all figured out? Again, I’m learning that it’s okay to be excited about the opportunities God gives...God has granted this request, I am open to His leading and when I mess up I’m learning there is great freedom and grace in reaching out and saying “I fail but my God is faithful and never fails; let me tell you about my God”.
"Not one word of all the good promises that the Lord had made to the house of Israel had failed; all came to pass." ~ Joshua 21:45
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