The other day a friend said to me "[your kid] is such a good kid, you've done a great job with [them]." I said thank you but a part of me cringed a bit. When we have kids we think that's what we want to hear; it's encouraging and I know that that is exactly what my friend was doing; encouraging me, and I so appreciate that, we need that. But yeah, I did cringe a bit and I want to share why that type of encouragement is harder for me to hear lately. (this friend is awesome and super encouraging so this is not to disparage her comment in any way; it was just a reminder of some things I've had rolling around in my head for awhile).
So much of parenting is trying to do the right thing. We are told there are no formulas, but yet we still think if we just do x, y, z, then our kids will come out great; they'll stay on the straight and narrow. There are Scriptures that encourage us to train up our children in the "discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4) or the verse that so many quote, to "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6). It's essential that we as parents are teaching and training our children in the ways of God; but is that a guarantee? Is Proverbs 22:6 a principle or a promise? We could debate those things but here's something that is crystal clear....our children are unique humans with their own free will; while there is much that we can control, ultimately there are decisions and choices they will make that we have no control over. If we think anything different we head down the path of pride.
Let me say, that I have been guilty of this; of judging parents based on how their teens & young adult children choose to live...and yes, I've been humbled as my own kids move through the teen years. Yes, we do as parents have influence on our kids and we should absolutely be striving to do our best to teach them, not only that they should follow Jesus but also why following Jesus is the best way. But there is no formula. We can pray, teach, discipline, surround our kids with others who love Jesus and they can still fall away. And all too often when that happens we, even as believers, tut-tut our tongues and say "well, what did the parent's do wrong?". We become prideful and think "if they only did this or that then their kid wouldn't have walked away". Do you not think that the parents are asking themselves those same questions? What could we have done? What did we miss? It's so easy to say "wow, great job" when the kids meet our expectations of how they should act or think but when they don't "fall into line" we can immediately think "wow, what did you as a parent do wrong?" As parents we constantly second guess if we're making the right decisions; we pray, seek to follow God's Word and do our best.
The other aspect of this is that when we see the kids struggling with faith we often pull away; after all we don't want our kids being influenced by them. What is wrong with that family? So what ends up happening is the family is further isolated and feels deeper shame, the struggling child is pushed away and no longer even tries to ask questions or engage in church, etc. They feel the judgement too. So, when you see a family, or anyone struggling or being a bit prickly why not lean in to build a closer relationship rather than stepping away? Those parents need to hear that even when their children make wrong choices that the parents are still doing a great job when they pray, continue to teach and still reach out to others. They need encouragement too!
As parents we need others to speak truth to our kids. Especially for teens, they need to hear from people who aren't mom & dad. They are trying to figure out who they are; and how their faith is theirs. Some of us have raised our kids up in church, Christian homes, some in Christian school, some home schooled, some in public schools all raised with the Gospel. These kids have made professions of faith and yet when they got older they walked away. Some of us have kids right now that are struggling with their faith, figuring out what they believe, why the Bible is true. As they get older and aren't really kids anymore it's natural to struggle with these questions; how are we as believers coming alongside them in this? Are we? Answers like, "it's just faith, you just have to believe" often aren't sufficient; are we teaching them apologetics; the logical reasons? Why our faith is not a "blind" faith? What evidences there are all around us that reveal God? How we practically live out our faith? As our own kids move through the teen years it's been eye opening to see how their thinking changes; they need those deeper discussions and answers; and often they need to hear those answers from others...not just mom & dad.
When my friend made that comment, what she didn't know is that the kid she was complimenting came to faith later in their childhood. A lot of prayer and tears were said and shed for them and the hardest lesson I learned was that I had no control over whether they ever came to faith; what if I prayed the rest of my life and never saw that child accept Jesus? We are told that "neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth." (1 Corinthians 3:6) We are to be faithful to do our part but only God can change hearts. I praise God that they did accept Jesus as Savior and one of the sweetest gifts ever was having that child allow me to read their testimony they had written out and seeing specific ways God answered my prayers and worked in their heart to bring them to Him. God is "not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance." (2 Peter 3:9) but each of us has to make that personal decision; it's not one we as parents can ever make for our kids. I remember hearing someone say "Adam and Eve had the perfect parent and they sinned and walked away" We need to remember this and stop judging other parents so harshly, we need to pray for and with each other. We need to pray that God will honor those prayers and that the "prodigal" children will listen to the Holy Spirit and turn back.
One final thought: If you are a parent of a "prodigal" child who accepted Jesus and has now walked away; know that Jesus has not let go. Jesus says in John 10: 28-29 "I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand." I'm praying for this generation and their parents. That those who have walked away will turn back to God and He will do mighty things through them!
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